Harry Pothead and the sorcerer's bong
by i-may-be-sick
Summary: A stoner spoof of the harry potter books. Harry, Ron, and Hermione find out about the sorcerer's evil bong! Really funny! Well at least I think so! The last chapter is finally up! WARNING: THIS IS ON CRACK.
1. The Hazy Beggining

Harry Pothead and the Sorcerer's Bong

Harry Pothead is this scrawny nerdy kid who is as poor as hell and likes to get stoned on his free time. His friend Ron, is a red headed freckled ass who is trying to grow a beard. His other friend Hermione is a goody-goody little miss smarty pants who tries too hard to get people to like her.

They all first meet at he Hogwarts express. Harry was sitting on the train when Ron came stumbling into his compartment. Ron to Harry, looked allmessed up. His hair was all messed up. He smelt of smoke and his eyes were glazed and he was carrying a brown paper bag.

"Hi, I'm Harry." Harry said to Ron.

"Oh, I'm Ron." Ron said.

"What you got in the bag? A sandwich?" Harry asked.

"Pot. Want some?"

"Sure why not? I've never tried it before." Harry replied.

And that's how it all started for Mr. Pothead. Soon enough smoke was filling up the compartment and leaking out from under the doors.

Hermione just happened to walk by and noticed the smoke. She was carrying a brown paper bag. She entered their compartment and saw Ron and Harry smoking. They were both as high as a kite.

Harry and Ron screamed.

"Oh, my goodness." Hermione says.

"Please don't tell any one." Harry begged. "I'm not always like this. It was him!"

Harry points at Ron.

"Hey!" Ron says.

"Oh, my goodness! I've always wanted to try that, but I never know where to get it! Can I have some?" Hermione asked eagerly.

"Sure." Ron answered surprised.

Hermione has never smoked before, (she was always a drinker) but there was a first time for everything. Hermione was always desperate to fit in so she would do whatever it took to fit in.

"WoooooHooooo!" Hermione screamed as she collasped onto her seat.

"Man Hermione, your as high as hell!" Ron said.

"Hey, I have an idea, let's listen to The Strokes on the mini stereo that's in here." Harry suggested.

So Harry popped in the cd. So now they are all high and the compartment is filled with smoke. And they are listening to The Strokes. It doesn't get any more stoned than that.

Before they knew it, 45min has passed and the train blew the whistle that signaled they were at their stop.

So Ron, Harry, and Hermione opened their door and stepped out of their compartment. They stopped and looked around. Then they saw that all the other students were in their uniforms.

"Holy shit, we forgot to change!" Hermione said.

"Crap." Harry said.

So they just threw their robes over their normal clothes. Some people were starring at them.

"Fuck offyou bloody motherfuckers!" Ron yelled at them.

They walked out of the train staggering onto the platform. They went to go get their luggages.

Harry hands Ron's luggage to Ron.

"Man Ron. It feels like there's nothing in there." Harry says.

"Yeah, there's like a rat or something in there." Ron says, like he could care less.

He chucks it on the ground. Then a rat sqeaks.

"Look there's Hagrid." Harry says.

"Do you know that creature?" Hermione asks.

"Yeah." Harry said.

They walk over to Hagrid.

"Hey, Hagrid." Harry says.

"Hey, you three." Hagrid says to them.

"Do we know you?" Hermione asks.

Hagrid justs ignores that.

"So, did you remember to get all of yer books?" Hagrid asks.

"Huh?" Ron says. "We were supposed to get books?"

"Why do you guys smell funny?"

"Uhhh........." Harry says.

"Oh, it crap. You know Scabbers took a dump all over us." Hermione lied.

"Oh. Well in that case you three best be getting a shower then." Hagrid says.

"Yeah, we know, bye." Hermione said as she shoves Harry and Ron away from Hagrid. Harry, Ron, and Hermione walk quickly the other way.

Hagrid stood there thinking to himself.

" They didn't smell like rat droppings, they smelled like smoke." He thought to himself. "But it can't be. There's only one place in the world where they can get that. The Forbidden Forest."

As the three of them walked away Hermione was thinking to herself.

"Man, if Hagrid knows we'll be in so much trouble." She thought. "Because there is only one place in the world where we can get that stuff. The Forbidden Forest."

"Hurry up let's leave." Hermione says as they walk along to the castle.

She shoves them up the pathway.

Back at the platform Hagrid is looking for Harry Ron and Hermione. All the first years were supposed to sail along the lake with Hagrid to reach the castle.

"I guess I'll have to leave them behind." Hagrid said.

"Do I know you?" Says a first year standing next to him.

Hagrid just clears his throat, turns around and walks away.


	2. Arival of the druggies

**Chapter 2**

So Ron, Harry and Hermione finally reach the castle. They walk into the great hall. All the first years are waiting standing in line for their turn at the drug sorting hat. They were at the end of the line.

"May I have your attention please?" Mcgonagol asked the hall.

Everyone in the audience didn't here her. They were too busy getting stoned or getting drunk or using other types of drugs. Then all of a sudden the sorting hat started to talk.

"Everyone SHUT UP!" Mcgonagol yelled at all the students.

Everyone in the crowd grew quiet. The great hall was silent except for the occasional snorting of coke.

Then to Harry's surprise the sorting hat started to sing:

"Oh you may think you can hide,

what drugs you use we don't see.

But every drug, I can find,

not even a plea would stop me.

You can keep your lungs filled black,

drugs won't make you sleek and tall,

For I am the Hogwarts sorting hat,

and I can tell of all.

There's nothing hidden in your blood,

the sorting hat can't see.

So try me on and I will tell you

where you ought to be."

"Now everyone will be sorted into houses." Mcgonagol explained. "The houses represent the different types of...... Well you know. Now everyone shut your mouth. The sorting will begin."

Slowly first years where being called up. The line started getting shorter. After they've been called up they go sit at the table of their house.

"So why are being sorted into catagories, and what kind of catagories?" Harry asked.

"Well I guess you haven't read Hogwarts a history. I think it has to do with how much drugs the students use. But I'm too dunk and stoned to think right now." Hermione answered.

"What?! Is this school really that in toxicated?" Harry asked.

"Yeah, that's basically the main purpose of this school. Why do you think my brothers are here?" Ron said.

"Ronald Weasel." Called Mcgonagol.

Ron just starred straight ahead with a glazed look in his eyes.

"Ronald Weasel." But this time the sorting hat called him.

Hermione and Harry gave Ron a push.

"Oh, me?"

Ron walks up to the stool and sits on it with with the sorting hat on top of his head.

"Griffindor." The sorting hat shout out almost imediately.

Everyone at the Griffindor table cheered. Ron took a seat between his twin brothers. Fred and George slapped him hard in the back. Next it was Hermione's turn. She too was in griffendor. Hermione sat down at the griffendor table. Nobody slapped her back.

"Harry Pothead." Called the sorting hat.

"Griffendor."

Everyone at the Griffendor table cheered. Harry went to sit down. Fred and George slapped him hard in the back of his head.


	3. The evil drug lord who must not be named

**Chapter 3-**

After five minutes the dinner was over and everyone went to their house's common room. All the first year griffendors got wasted and passed out. All the older kids pulled all the first years pants down and drew stuff on their butt cheeks. The next day the first years woke up.

"Spiders are tickliling my balls" Ron said out loud. "Get them off"

Harry takes a look.

"There's a rat in your pants" Harry says.

"Oh, that's ok." Ron says.

Hermione woke up.

"Can I have a rat in my pants too" Hermione asked.

"Rats aren't gonna work for _you_." Ron tells Hermione.

"Damn! Look at the time" Harry exclaimed. "We're going to be late"

It was 9:05. Potions class ends at 9:10.

All three got up and ran to their class. They ran through the halls.

"Keep your pants on" Peeves the polterguiest yelled at them.

"Oh, shut the bloodyfuck up" Ron yelled back.

They finally made it and burst through the doors.

"Boooooooooooooo" The entire dungoen of kids yelled at them.

"What the hell is this!" Ron called out.

"Boooo" Snape yelled at them. "What a bunch of dumbasses! They come here more than thirty minutes late and they still forgot to put their pants on"

"What?" All three of them said. Then they looked down. They were all in tighty-whities.

"Now go take a seat." Snape told them.

All three sat down.

"Hey Nevile Saggbottom. What did you guys do today" Harry asked him.

"We got to make beer."

"I made beer in my pants." Hermione said.

"Man, we missed an awesome lesson"Harry whined.

"Hey guess what? The evil drug lord-who-must-not-be-named is back." Nevile informed them. "People say he is using an evil bong."

"Oh, you mean Weedlesnort." Harry corrected him.

"Isn't that the dude that O.D.ed your parents" Ron asked.

"Oh,yeah I almost forgot." Harry remembered. "I had like a prophecy made for me or something."

"And he's still tyring to kill you." Nevile finished explaining.

"We have to get that bong! It might work faster!" Harry said.

Nevile just rolled his eyes.

"Who thehell are you rolling your eyes at you roasted fuck!"Ron said angerly.

Nevile got up and walked right out of the classroom.

Snape chucked a piece of poop at him.

"Hey guys I forgot to tell you. I signed up for quidditch." Harry told them. "I'll be playing tomorrow."

The next day the griffendor quiditch team were in the locker room. They were getting ready for the game.

"Now, Harry. You better catch that flying piece of poop." Wood ordered.

"I'll do more than catch that flying piece of poop" Harry said drooling.

"Great! Now get out there" Wood said.

Then he spanked Harry's ass. Harry looked at him. Wood winked at him.

Harry walked out of the locker room. Harry looked up at the sky then snorted his lasts bits of cocaine. Fred and George came and stood on both sides of Harry. They both took out a joint, smoked it, then looked up at the sky.

"What are you looking at" Fred asked Harry.

"Wood spanked me a few moments ago." Harry told him.

"Nah, he does that to everybody." George said.

"Then he winked at me." Harry said.

"Oh yeah. About that part." Fred tried to explain. "Wood's a queer. Why do you think his name is Wood"

Soon enough they were all flying on their brooms chucking unconscience bodies towards the hoops for points. Then the enchanted flying piece of poop with wings flew a little to close to the sun and melted. Everyone underneath it had a diarrhea shower. So the game was a draw.

After the game everyone started celebrating. They were celebrating the fact that diarrhea just rained on them. Harry,Ron, and Hermione went into an empty classroom. But there was already somebody else smoking a blunt there.

"Hi, I'm Tom Riddilin." Tom told them.

"We're Harry,Ron, and Hermione." Harry said."We were just going to get stoned in here."

"Can I join?" Tom asked eagerly.

"Sure" Hermione said.

They all got in a circle and started smoking joints. Hermione got out the beer and hard liquior.

"...And that's how I got my scar." Harry finished, then took a drink of beer.

"Hey everybody guess what?" Tom asked them.

"Chicken butt." Hermione said.

"No. I have an evil bong in my dungeon. If you smoke it for an hour it will give you immortality." Tom said. "I'm going to smoke it tomorrow at 9:00 p.m."

"Cool." Said Ron.

"So where do you get your secrect stash from?" Tom asked them.

"Well, we usually get it from my brothers." Ron explained. "Then if they don't have any we'll just go to the forbidden forests ourselves."

"Yeah. Hagrid has a forest of weed now." Harry said.

"Holy crap! I forgot to take my riddilin pills!" Tom remembered.

He started jumping around the room like a monkey. Hermione chucked a glass beer bottle against the wall. It shattered. Tom ran out of the room.

"Group hug!" Hermione yelled. They all got up and hugged each other. Then they allpassed out.


	4. Chaos in the Halls

**Chapter 4-**

The next morning Harry, Ron, and Hermione woke up.

"Looks like the three llama jerkies woke up!" Draco said drooling.

Harry looked around. The classroom that was empty before was now filled with students. Draco started licking Harry's arms.

"Ewww, gross! Get off of me I'm not for eating!" Harry said.

"Don't listen to him Draco." Snape said. "He's very edible and tasty."

"You can eat _me_!" Hermione said. Then Ron turned and saw what was going on.

"What the hell is going on here!" Ron asked shocked. Maybe he was shocked that Draco was licking Harry, or that Snape was allowing this, or was it the dungeon full of kids just sitting there watching them? Ron got up and dragged Harry and Hermione out of the classroom. Then they all sat down against the wall. Then they all just realized that they left their pants in Snapes classroom.

"Why the hell are people always taking our pants off after we've passed out!" Ron asks angerly.

"Why the hell is everything you say so pissed off?" Harry asks him.

Then Ron just gets up and walks away.

"What the hell is his problem?" Harry says.

Hermione shrugs. "He's probally pissed 'cause he's not getting any." Hermione says.

At dinner everybody went to the great hall to eat. Everyone sat down waiting for food to appear on their plates. Then all of a sudden Dumbledore stumbled in through a side door. His eyes were red.

"Welcome to a fresh new year at Hogwarts!" Dumbledore said.

"Huh!" All the kids say.

"Take a look at my new podium. It's golden with candles along the sides!" He starts feeling up the podium. Eveyone in the great hall just stares at him.

"EAT!" Mcgonagol suddenly yells at the children.

So they all started eating even though there was nothing on their plates. Harry, Ron, and Hermione all left early. They were all sober.

"Hey, remember Tom?" Hermione asks them.

"Oh, yeah!" Harry says. "He's sooo cool."

"Yeah, he had a stonger bong!" Ron says.

"Well, we have to steal that bong." Hermione tells them.

"But, how? He's the lord of all drugs." Harry says.

"Were going to have to out drug him." Hermione says. "But first we have to warm up." So they all took a smoke.

"What time is it?" Ron asked. "He said he was going to smoke it at nine."

"We have two more hours." Hermione said.

Soon the "dinner" in the great hall was finally over and students started flooding into the halls. Draco walked by carrying a singing bass fish wall ornament.

"Here Pothead. It's a gift for the quidditch game." Draco says. He hands it to Harry. Harry pushes the button.

"You have cancer." The fish tells him.

"Oh, that's nice." Harry said. And he slaps Draco's ass. Then they both start making out hard and heavy in the middle of the hall.

"Damn! That's hot!" Ron tells Hermione."Isn't that hot, Hermione!"

"Ewww! No! That's gross!" Hermione says. Then she sees some girl and says,"Now that's more my style!" So she grabs her and they start making out.

Tom Riddlin passes by them, probally on his way to smoke the evil bong.

"Hey, Tom!" Hermione says as she comes up for breath.

"Oh, hi!" He says. "I was just going to smoke my bong."

"Want some pot?" Hermione asks him.

"Of course!" Tom answers. Tom takesthe joint and takes a smoke. Then he sees Draco and Harry and joins them in a threesome.

After that Tom just remembered something and left.

Suddenly Dumbledore comes running out of the great hall.

"Don't you just _love_ my golden podium!" He yells into the halls filled with students.

"STOP HIM!" Yells Hagrid as he tries to catch up with him. But Dumbledore already turned a corner. So the students didn't see who Hagrid was talking about.

"Are you sane?" A student standing next to him asks. But he got no answer. Hagrid ran around the corner looking for Dumbledore. Then all of a sudden a bird took off in the hall then flew into Hagrid's face. The bird fell to the floor. Hagrid stood there not knowing what to do. All the students in the hall watched, waiting to see what would happen next. "What should I do?" Hagrid thought to himself. "I can't appolgize to the damn bird." So Hagrid stood there for a few minutes not saying anything. The hall was quite. The only sounds you could hear were Draco,Harry, and Tom occasionally sounding out their orgasms.

"Hey, forget this shit!" Ron yelled. "We have to get the evil bong!"

Hermione whispers to her girl friend,"Don't worry about him. He's just mad 'cause he's not getting any.."

So Harry, Ron, and Hermione ran to the dungeon. Finally the students in the crowd started talking and moving agian.

"That was awkward." Hagrid said aloud to himself.

"Do I know you?" A student standing next to him said.

Hagrid ignores that and walks away. Then the kid chucks the bird at him.


	5. Robots go Click,Click,Click

**Chapter 5**

Harry,Ron, and Hermone made it to the dungeon in time to see Tom about to start smoking the evil bong.

"Hey, Tom." Harry says.

"Shut up."

"We've come here to challenge you for your bong." Harry explains.

"Whatever!" Tom says and stops smoking the bong.

All three of them took out bags full of drugs of all kinds. Tom took out his drugs. The object of this contest is to use all the drugs you can untill you pass out. Whoever wakes up last wins.

The next day Harry was the first to wake up. Then it was Ron.

"Don't wake up Hermione!" Ron and Harry chanted in unison. Then Tom woke up.

"Dammit! I lost! It's all you bastards fault!" Tom yells at them.

Finally, two whole hours later, Hermione wakes up.

"Guess, what! We won Hermione!" Ron says.

"Here you girls go. Here's the bong." Tom says as he hands it over.

And soon enough, the year was finally over. Now it was the final feast in the Great Hall.

"Hello, hearing aids." Dumbledore says to all the children in the hall.

"Hello." They say, thinking that he's talking to them.

"No, I'm talking to my hearing aids." He says pointing to his ears.

"Well, it looks like this year has finally come to an end."

"Why? You lost your podium?" Someone asked him.

"No. I lost my hearing aids."

"Then how come you can hear me?"

Dumbledore turns off his hearing aids.

"What? I'm sorry I can't hear you!" Dumbledore says.

"Yeah, that's cause you just turned off your hearing aids!" The kid said pissed off. "And I thought you lost your hearing aids!"

"You may be excused." Dumbledore said.

"What!"

"My oldman/medical cane."

"Huh!"

Then, all of a sudden, Harry and ron burst through the doors with their robes on.

"We're going streaking!" They announced to the entire hall. Then they let their robes fall to the floor.

Harry and Ron started running down the hall. All the children started laughing. Then all of a sudden Hagrid burst through the doors behind Harry and Ron. It seems that Hagrid thought he was going streaking too. So he was running down the hall naked. All the children looked away. Harry and Ron looked behind them to see what had just happened. What they saw was an ugly-ass creature with crumbs and was naked running down the hall behind them. So they started to run as fast as they can to their house table and sat down naked.

"These tables are cold!" Ron says with a shiver after he took a seat.

Hagrid just continues running down the hall all the way up to Dumbledore and his podium. All the kids faces are still turned the other way. Hagrid steps up to the golden podium and turns around to face the children. Takes a fart and side-steps to the right.

"I've got your hearing aids!" Hagrid says to Dumbledore.

"Where! Where are thy hearing aids!" Dumbledore asks.

"Put your hand over here and it is straight up the hole." Hagrid instructs.

And right before Dumbledore got to stick his hand any further, Snape shoved them out of the hall and into a side room. Mcgonagol stood at the podium now.

"Umm...well...what Dumbledore is trying to say is that the school year is ending because he lost his hearing aids..." Mcgonalgol says like she doesn't aprove. "So...let the feast begin."

With a wave of her wand, barbequed rat tales, roasted catapillars and roasted mouse on a stick appeared on everyones plates. Diarrhea juice filled in everyone's goblet.

"Hey there's an inhaler in my roasted mouse!" Some random person says.

At the Griffindore table everyone is enjoying the delicious meal.

"Hey, someone's hand is on my ass!" Ron says.

"Don't worry it's just me." Harry says.

Harry and Ron were still both naked.

"Does anyone want to put their hand on _my_ ass?" Hermione asks. She waited a couple seconds but got no takers.

Then all of a sudden the naked Hagrid bursted out of the side room running along with a naked Dumbledore running behind him. They are both running with their hands in the air.

They make a sharp turn around the Slytherin table and Hagrid's dick hits Malfoy in the face.

Back at the Griffindor table everyone was still enjoying their meal.

"That feels good Harry." Ron says.

"Huh, that's not me. My hands are up here." Harry says and shows Ron his hands.

"Well, whoever it is don't stop!" Ron says moaning.

"Geeze Ron, that's a little too loud for school." Nevelie says.

Harry looks under the table to see who it was. And it turns out it was Malfoy.

"Hello, Harry." Malfoy said from under the table.

"So you were the one!" Ron says.

"Hey, you guys guess what? There's a marijuana plant under your guys's table." Malfoy informs them.

Hagrid and Dumbledore just continued running out of the main entrance of the great hall. The doors just slamed behind them.

Everyone stood up and started clapping. Soon enough people were boarding the train to go home.

"CLICK, CLICK, CLICK!" Hagrid says to all the students before they get onto the train.

"BoCLICK,BoCLICK!" Harry says to Hagrid.

For some odd reason they were speaking robot.

As the train pulls away, Hagrid sees smoke pouring pouring out of the cracked window of the conpartment containg Ron,Harry, and Hermione.

"Those llama jerkies." Hagrid says and rolls up a joint and takes a smoke.

The End


End file.
